The Gift of Struggle: Why We Must Let Our Children Fail

In an era of instant gratification, it’s easy to forget that struggling through challenges is a crucial part of growing up. A recent trend among educators suggests that parents are coddling their children too much, depriving them of essential skills like problem-solving, resilience, and independence.

The emphasis on efficiency and convenience in our culture has led us to intervene too quickly, providing answers before our children have a chance to figure things out for themselves. This approach can create a sense of entitlement and cripple our kids’ ability to navigate everyday problems. Dr. Dana Suskind notes that “the most important thing we can give children is not the answer, but the experience of figuring it out.”

Intervening too quickly deprives children of opportunities to practice valuable skills like pausing before acting, remembering what worked previously, and trying new solutions. This stunts their emotional growth and sets them up for anxiety when faced with real-world challenges.

The trend towards over-parenting is alarming, particularly in the context of our increasingly digital lives. We can track our children’s locations, grades, and activities in real-time, making it easy to swoop in and rescue them from every minor setback. However, this convenience comes at a cost: children who rarely experience struggle are ill-equipped to handle the inevitable frustrations and disappointments that come with adulthood.

Experts argue that boredom is essential for creativity and play, helping children build confidence and resilience as they learn to navigate uncertainty. Kiryn Hoffman, CEO of the National Children’s Museum in Washington, D.C., notes that “boredom can facilitate creativity and play” while also allowing children to develop a sense of self-reliance.

To strike the right balance between supporting our children and giving them space to struggle, we must provide opportunities for agency and autonomy. Nicole Knoth, a mother of two teen girls in Flagstaff, Arizona, has found success by giving her daughters small decisions to make from an early age. This approach helps them develop problem-solving skills and builds their confidence and self-reliance.

Similarly, Jemia Cunningham-Elder, a mother of four daughters in Chicago, takes a more nuanced approach, recognizing that every child is different and develops at their own pace. She allows her children to take on more responsibility as they demonstrate their ability to handle it, gradually increasing their independence as they grow.

There are situations where safety or maturity demands our intervention. Caroline Chirichella, a mother living in southern Italy, had to weigh the risks and benefits of giving her 8-year-old daughter Lucia more freedom, ultimately deciding to step in when necessary while also teaching her daughter to take ownership of her responsibilities.

Independence doesn’t mean doing everything alone; children who ask for help or seek guidance are still practicing independence as long as they’re taking the lead in their own learning and decision-making processes. By giving our children the gift of struggle, we’re preparing them for a world where they’ll inevitably face challenges and setbacks. We’re teaching them to persevere, adapt, and grow – essential skills that will serve them well in adulthood and beyond.